Cold… pain… A razor in my right hand and several red lines is seen in my left wrist. “More…” I said as I slit my wrist again, creating new red lines between the older ones. I frown in annoyed. I feel pain from those red lines but the red liquid, I had been waiting for since 30 minutes ago, haven’t showing up. “Idiot razor!” I yell as I throw the razor across the room. My breath is uncontrollably as I sob between my tears. I grab another razor beside me and slit my wrist again. Red line appears again. I was going to throw my razor when I feel more pain at that red line and the red goes redder as it flows. “Finally!” I smile at the red line and slit deeper to my wrist. 1… 2… 3… 4… Red thick liquid flows from the four lines I made cause me to feel pain. I watch it flow as I fall into pain and pleasure. Tears are still falling as I smile, enjoying the pain from the lines.
Pain… helps me forget my pain… Ironic isn’t it? Using pain to forget pain? But that is fact, the addictive and pleasing pain in my wrists filling my head causing me to forget the pains from them. Those filthy and dishonest people who can only hurt and hurt others… or actually only me… Their images soon display in my head. ‘That man..’ I think as I growl. He is the one who starts the darkness around me. The one who started the coldness around me. The one who make me fall into this world, lonely world… That man who I hate deep inside me for what he have done to me. What have I done that I must fall into this world?
Cold. I sob louder as I feel the familiar coldness creeps on to my left wrist. “No..” I growl as I cut again and more blood flow out. I pant between my sobs and tears. The cold gone as the pain fills my head again.
I curl my body on my bed as I keep staring at my bleeding wrist. Blood. The beautiful liquid I adore taints my sheets and spreading slowly. I feel a little light-headed.
Before I can remember it, I had caged in this world. The world where Darkness, coldness, loneliness surround me, suffocate me, and squeeze me. The pain stabs me, strangles me, and drowns me. The cage pulling me deeper into the darkness… the pain strangles me until I feel numb… I forgot warmness, true happiness, and even hope… I had give up at hope about going out from this cage. I was always thinking and hoping that one day someone will come to me and bring me out… but, even after I found the someone… Forget getting out, I’m falling deeper in this cage…
It’s not because of him that I fall deeper,, it’s just that he can’t stop me from falling deeper… Then how I know he’s the someone? Because he reminds me of warmness and happiness… Even though it’s small but I can feel it despite my numbness and coldness… His love dive trough the coldness around me and warms me inside… Oh.. How happy I feel when that warm holds me dear… That warmness helps me survive inside this cage.. if his love didn’t get into me, I’m sure that I would have been insane in these pain, darkness and coldness… But still, I fall deeper and deeper in this Darkness… I know and understand well that no one can understand how I feel… Then how can I expect them to see ‘me’? Even he, who loves me deeply and gently, can not feel nor even see ‘me’…
These feelings hurt me more and make me hopeless. I love him deeply too that I’m so afraid at my love… my heart has being ate by Darkness slowly and surely for long time… that if I don’t meet him in certain time, my love in my heart gets ate by the darkness… he never beside me… but, He always in my heart…
Ah… now that reminds me… I broke my promise to him. I smile sadly and weakly at my bleeding wrist. “Sorry…” I whisper. But though, he won’t suddenly show up sooner or later. Just as I said, he never beside me… He’s far away… Don’t ask me where… Cause I don’t know… I know… Weird and stupid. But that’s the reality. I love someone I never met and don’t even know how he looks like and where he is. But deep inside, I love him dearly and deeply. Love isn’t logic you see. People would ask me if I ever wanted and curious about how he look like. And honestly, I don’t. Weird huh? Well I don’t need to know how he looks like, but I need his touch… I have wanted his hug and touch… When seeing someone hugging or holding other’s hand, I always wonder how it feels like if he does that to me… How it feels having the one you love holding you….
He’s far away.. I know and understand that we couldn’t meet. But he gave me hope because he said he’s a vampire… He also said he came twice to my house… and always when I fall asleep. And I once felt him hugging me… But… why he never showed up in front of me when I was awake? Once again, it’s not about how he looks like. It’s about, his touch… Yes… As you can see… I had been caged surrounded by coldness and loneliness for long time. So isn’t it natural for me to wanting his touches and warmness so much? Is it really boy nature to not understand girl’s feeling? Eh? What am I talking about? It’s not about that isn’t it? It’s not about boys or girls… It’s me who people can not understand about. It’s not his fault… But… I really want him… to touches me….
Tears fall more as I feel the loneliness wraps me tightly. ‘Oh… how I wish to touch you my love…’ I whisper and my tears fall on my tainted bed sheet. I grip my bleeding wrist, causing it to bleed more. My breath goes fast and unsteady between the tears and sobs. My vision becomes blurry as I start to drift away. The pain dancing in my mind, causing me to forget those… I open my eyes and see someone chat me. Even though it’s blurry, I know it’s him. “Aishiteru yo, My Love….” I smile and then everything fades to black…
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